eengrms Funny Status Messages

   I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation....

   Remember when emojis were just called clip art and everyone thought they were stupid?

   So we can beam a crystal clear selfie of Pluto from 3 billion miles away but vending machines will still not take my dollar if it has a wrinkle...

   ‎Primeday‬ is just like the clearance aisle at Walmart... The deals suck and you can shop in your pajamas...

   Ashley Madison's servers were hacked, just in case your husband seems really nervous today for no reason...

   I know I should be sad and worried about Trump but I confess I am surprised and delighted in this country's capacity to keep a joke going...

   Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...

   The five second rule is exponentially longer when no one else is around...

   The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone...

   I could talk for hours about how good of a listener I am...

   That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...

   My wife said that to make our relationship work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat...

   I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise. And I was right.

   How many more short, funny sentences must I post on the internet before I am worthy of human love?

   I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night...

   I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...

   there a Nobel prize for being extremely mediocre because I would like to nominate myself...

   There's really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn't been invented...

   Once my kids wake up, my only goal for the rest of the day is getting them back to bed...

   Haunted houses would be scarier if they were filled with women that wanted you to guess their age...