doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   Today my daughter asked me if beavers have whiskers. I told her it's the woman's right to choose

   How can you just assume that a gallon of whiskey a day has a negative effect on my life?

   Most elderly women look like they put their lipstick on with their feet.

   When a woman compliments me on my looks, I assume she's ovulating or something.

   How come when women do it, they're "cougars," and when I do it, I'm "trespassing on school property"?

   I know my dream woman is out there somewhere. And that her boring friend is the one who's into me.

   I'm so lazy I just gave up halfway through a shrug.

   One of the unsung signs of depression is throwing away fast food trash in your bathroom trashcan.

   In bed, when a girl says, "I'm Old Fashioned," she means, "I'm from a time when people didn't want to have sex with you."

   I'm not so much anti-social as I am pro-being left alone.

   By the time you recognize the opening drums from "Superstition" on my spacious dance floor, you're already pregnant.

   Look out. The first song I heard today was Eye Of The Tiger. It scored my "looking for my car keys and wallet" montage.

   Some idiot just bought MySpace for 35 million. Now looks like the ideal time to sell my dusty old CD towers for 9 million dollars.

   TLC has announced that Kate +8 has been cancelled and has been replaced with a new show Casey -1.

   The Dominos Pizza Tracker should always end with "Your New Chin, You Fat Piece of Sh!t".

   In California, you can get a medical marijuana prescription for anxiety, insomnia, or wanting your Lean Cuisine to taste like real food.

   A nice name for a girl would be Regrette.

   I have said it before and I will say it again. IT

   Fellas--you CAN be friends with women, but if she's got those eyes that awaken the beast within, then relax and go see a movie by yourself.

   Just once I'd like to yell, "You're a f#%$ing disgrace!" without feeling like a hypocrite.