andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   I just called. To say. I texted you.

   "If you've been hurt in a car wreck you need someone who will fight to get you the money you deserve. I will pee on your bed." - cat lawyer

   Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.

   I was so angry at my parents when I found out Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   When I die, keep it simple. Just launch me into space while Elton John plays "Rocket Man" on a glass piano and Maya Angelou reads my statuses

   Imagine the first guy who built one of those big water fountains telling everyone: "I hear if you throw money in this, you can make a wish!"

   I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.

   Dressed my snowman up as a security guard, and then I put him out in front of a snow bank.

   I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster

   I've said it before and I'll say it again: it before

   They say women dress for women and undress for men, whereas I dress for my pets and undress for joggers.

   My high-school was a magnet school. All the girls were repelled by me.

   Starting a Book Club. First rule of Book Club: read Fight Club.

   I always know what my childhood friends are doing these days, thanks to the user-friendly county mugshot database.

   Quick question: Is it okay if I actually like people I sometimes disagree with? Just wanted to check since I don't see it very often anymore

   If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

   Nobody can MAKE the Yuletide gay. It's not a choice. That's how it was born.

   If John Cusack ever said I did something I didn't do, I'd say "Take it easy, John Accusack!" and then I'd saunter off.

   Basically the way it works is I tell myself I'm not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.

   Returned every single Christmas gift today. Even handmade ones from my kids