Unknown comic Funny Status Messages

   What if every opossum you saw on the side of the road was faking it?

   Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

   Fun Christmas prank: give your mom a new iPhone then refuse to help her set it up

   I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?

   Every time I read an inspirational tweet, I'm genuinely saddened when I get to the end and there's no punchline.

   I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about

   Science: About 71% of the Earth's surface is covered by water Parents: The rest is covered by Pokémon cards, Legos, and something sticky

   Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   Opening a restaurant calling it: New Pho, Who Dish?

   Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

   I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.

   I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   It took my decades to sleep soundly knowing that rhythm will not in fact get me, tonight or any night