StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly.

   Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: "Local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?"

   When Asian tourists ask me to take their picture for them; I always say, "Okay let's do one more but this time don't squint

   Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don't want her to meet her competition right away

   I'm writing this from the hospital. Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!

   Cell phones ruined pushing people into pools

   Let's have sex? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.

   How can this cop expect me to show him my license when he took it away last month? What an Idiot.

   Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It's so fun to watch them freak out!

   Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn't want to ruin my day by talking to you.

   Got kicked out of a Gatorade convention. I guess standin behind the women and whispering "is it in you?" was the wrong thing to do.

   If lesbians aren't attracted to men, why are they attracted to women that look like men?

   I'm going to walmart in a few minutes....does this belt look OK with these sweat pants?

   Why did the snowman smile? Cause the snowblower was coming.

   What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full.

   Relationships are harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates

   If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.

   I'm a leader. Not a follower. Unless it's a dark place, then f*ck that sh*t you're going first.

   When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d*ck or a good memory.. I don't remember what I chose.

   . Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. ; )