Mickey Funny Status Messages

   Got a job at Bed, Bath, & Beyond. I start tomorrow. In the Beyond department.

   Ever notice the word "bed" looks like one?

   "The Goddess that is Judge Judy"....said no one ever.

   I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. And after all this time no less. I wasn't ignoring you, you simply don't matter that much anymore. Please forgive me, yet my feelings will remain unchanged, Myspace phone app.

   Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color and we have no idea what mauve is.

   When I was born, the day I was brought home form the hospital my parents put up a sign on my bedroom door: "Checkout Time 18 Years"

   Tagged Photos-Rule #1: The hottest girl in the pic is the one not tagged.

   I guess all the leftover Thanksgiving dinner stuff is gone that was in the fridge. I'm telling everyone I quit cold turkey.

   I was really counting on winning the Powerball. I was also counting on getting run over by a bus driven by a bear.

   I went to the movies to see "Lincoln". The only thing they had at the snack bar were waffles and Log Cabin Syrup.

   Choosing someone based on their looks, is like picking a Christmas gift based on the wrapping paper.

   20 minutes later, and I can't remember who I "sanded my wood" to. I have to find better imaginary girlfriends.

   I was notified that I've been chosen to be the new "Adam" on Mars. They've selected an Eve. I hope to G0d she remembers to bring the snake and the apple.

   In these economic hard times, I always do what it takes to get my money's worth. Like yesterday. I went to the Dental Hygienist and ate a box of Oreos in the waiting room before going in.

   I haven't had a cigarette in 11 months. Did it on my own. My mom is trying to quit but couldn't do it by herself so she went to a hypnotist. She still smokes, but thinks she's a chicken.

   Some people suffered in their youth which helped them succeed later in life. For example, if Bill Gates had gotten l@id in high school, there would have been no Microsoft.

   Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.

   Get me an alligator sandwich, and make it snappy!

   I'm watching The Alamo Bowl on ESPN. My main concern isn't who wins, my main concern is if I'll remember it.

   I once stayed at an Amish Motel 6. They would have left the light on for me if they had one.