@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   I just saw a hobo on the side of the road with a sign that said "Hungry Hungry Hobo."

   surrounded by askholes today... yes, "askholes" as in people who constantly ask you stupid questions.

   Had that dream again last night where the GEICO lizard makes me hold his legs down while he does sit-ups.

   I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes... it's my screen savior.

   the best way to get out of a text conversation: "The message could not be delivered. Please try again later. Error 226110."

   The hardest part of letting go of someone you love... is the splat when they hit the ground.

   I always feel a little bad for a guy when I notice he missed a belt loop on his pants... or lost his family in a fire.

   If Coldplay and Mumford & Sons got in a fight... Miley Cyrus would win.

   "Archaeologists Discover First-Ever Gay Caveman." I'm calling it now: "Glee-anderthal: The Musical." That one's free, Hollywood.

   "Kidnapping" is such a strong word... I prefer to say "surprise adoption."

   Sometimes I wish I could delete other people's Facebook Status updates.

   What if love was like volleyball... all you have to do is call 'MINE!' and everyone else backs off...

   Whenever I call a Jewish friend and they don't answer... I worry Mel Gibson has killed and eaten them.

   The most impressive magic trick of all is how magicians are able to make all of their shame disappear.

   A lot of sports teams are called 'The Devils'... if I had a sports team I would call it 'The Jesus Christ Almighties'

   I never point fingers but if you look at my toes... they're fully indicating whose a f*cking liar.

   I call bulls*** on killing someone with kindness... that "kindness" crap won't even maim someone.

   has been considering a lobotomy... it seems like a no-brainer.

   There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye... I don't know what that means but think about it.

   This may be the wine talking but... "Help! He's drinking me.., he's drinking me!"