Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If I call you and you don't answer, I will sing on your voicemail.

   I don't care what your gender is. I'm going to call you "dude" either way.

   Local news is like Facebook. You get stories you don't care about, some jerk talks about weather and it all ends with pictures of animals doing funny stuff.

   Why do I have to bother pushing "one" for English? I'm still going to get someone who can't speak it.

   Facebook prank #23: Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on...

   This is ridiculous - I have so much work to do this morning that I can barely get on Facebook. My boss is so rude.

   I hate it when my inner child talks back to the voices in my head.

   If people winked in real life as much as they wink in texts, the world would be an extremely creepy place. ;)

   I love smiling at random people. Some of them smile back. Some of them get really creeped out, but that makes it worth it.

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the time I was the age I am now.

   When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

   I think, therefore we have nothing in common.

   There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.

   You think you know someone, but what you really know is only what they choose to show you.

   Everything happens for a reason, and that reason is that life is totally random.

   Ten bucks says Slash has no idea where he is.

   If I ever mess anything up I am just gonna say, "It's not like I sung the national anthem wrong in front of the whole world or something."

   It's amazing how quickly I can convince myself that I didn't need to do today the things I needed to do today.

   When I really like a girl, I take her home to meet my parents so she understands why I can never get married.

   Why does every wireless provider say that they have the best, fastest, most covered 4G network? Someone's lying.