Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I never root for a mime or a guy with a chain wallet to walk it across the street successfully.

   Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

   I sing in the shower. I think I sound pretty good. The other people in the gym don't agree

   I invented an app that detects your proximity to an obstacle as you walk and text, then takes your pic on impact and posts to Instagram.

   Tried to make a list of goals today, but it got kind of sad after the first 12 all ended with "and then get some Dairy Queen."

   Don't tell secrets near a grape vine.

   Saying "with all due respect" lends gravitas to the massive pile of disrespect you're about to lay down.

   If I were a pirate I'd skip the skulls and crossbones, and bedazzle a Hello Kitty themed boat. I'd never get caught, cause nobody would admit I robbed them.

   There are two types of people in this world: People who like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups...and complete and utter monsters.

   My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.

   I want Liam Neeson to star in a remake of "Breakin' "

   I am instituting a new policy. Whining will be met with an ax handle to the face. I look forward to this new change in policy.

   Today I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble until they kick me out for vandalizing books again. Come say hello!

   My doctor told me to take more walks, so this will be my fifth cakewalk this week. I've gained seven pounds.

   If Wheaties are “The Breakfast of Champions” then cold pizza has to be “The Late Night Snack of Fat Happy People”, right?

   My shirt has a "Made in the USA" label. And that label has its own smaller label that says "Label Made in China."

   I'm positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.

   Just one typo and, the next thing you know, you're depending upon the kindness of stranglers.

   Auditioning for Animal Planet's new series, "I Shouldn't Be Awake."

   it's not fair that haunted houses pay someone to dress up & chase customers with a chainsaw but grocery stores won't let me do it for free.