Funny Status Messages

   I'm a participation trophy wife.

   I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good in bed. One time, I lasted all the way through the opening credits of Game of Thrones.

   "Daddy, what happens when you die?" "You get married and have kids"

   This Pizza Hut is so stupid. They just keep yelling, "SIR WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?!?!" over and over.

   I'll vote for her, but only if Bill has to plant flowers and pretend to care about children's literacy.

   Canadian Bacon is just like regular bacon, but it apologizie all the time about not being regular bacon.

   Never go to a little leagure game with a #1 Dad t-shirt unless you are prepared to be challened to a Dad-off.

   I know you are orgasaming, but I'm pretty sure God had nothing to do with it... so if you can maybe yell my name, that'd be great.

   Happiness is only a throat punch away.

   "iPhone" is a really terrible name considering how much I use it as a phone. That would be like calling my bed iSex.

   Paper shouldn't beat rock -- maybe smooth jazz fusion or contemporary country, but that's it.

   My exercise tape is just various clips of me driving past the gym.

   I like my women like I like my coffee; Always causing embarassing stains on my pants.

   I need a catchphrase, and a themesong. Oh, and while we are at it, a signature sex move that doesn't always end in an apology.

   I talk a lot of crap for someone who can't even put her panties on without falling over.

   Advice is a bitter medicine, which is more blessed to give than to receive.

   Woohoo! Marco Rubio For President Of The United States of America!!!

   Marco Rubio was asked if he was too young to be president.. he said, "Yes, but the elections are almost 2 years away, I will be much older then."

   Tiger may be a cheetah, but he ain't lion.

   I don;t know what kind of President she would make, but if I am being totally honest; I would hit that.