Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them.

   I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.

   Lawsuit claims Taco Bell tacos only 35% real beef. I think I speak for all of us when I say wow that much?

   I've changed the lock on my heart.. So stick the old key up your ass.

   I don't take anything you say seriously. You're just an idiot who has internet access.

   When someone tries to impress you, it means they're impressed by you.

   I stopped listening when you said "No."

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   Lifting the toilet seat AND putting it back down are 2 steps. If women really want equality, they're going to have to take on a step here.

   I'm the type of person who would spend 20 years becoming a judge, just so ONE person could be all, "You can't judge me!" And I'm like, "Bull$hit."

   I learn something new everyday. Yesterday I was wise. Today I'm wiser.

   When you start to believe your own lies is when you know you're getting good at it.

   I love getting voicemails from my grandma. They usually consist of a pause, then "I don't think he's home."

   Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?

   I'm having one of those days where when I get home I'm going to lean against the door, and slide down it while dramatically sighing.

   Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by vodka last night...

   if people were as nice to each other in real life as they were in Facebook comments, think how different the world would be.

   Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they'd be married too.

   Don't dwell on your past, disappointments, or failures, you can't trip on something behind you.