Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

   Damn, just about got in a head on collision with some idiot who doesn't know how to text and drive nearly as well as I do.

   Every day of my life is like an episode of LOST, something crazy always happens and I never have any idea what's going on.

   At the beginning of a relationship, I wonder if women rub their hands together and say "Let the games begin!"

   When I see people outside, smoking in freezing temperatures, it makes me wonder what else I can get them to do.

   Nothing makes people happier than when you are wrong and they are right.

   Don't get chased by your past. Your future always catches up.

   These liberty tax male lady liberty people on the side of the road make me happy I'm not them.

   You don't find the meaning of life, the meaning of life finds you.

   Any relationship before marriage is just training.

   Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts... it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone!

   I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.

   Let's take turns going crazy. You first.

   One day I want to be "Let's Just Take My Helicopter" rich.

   I'm training for the Super Bowl. Today's menu: 3 dozen wings, sliders, nachos and beer.

   Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

   Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f*cked.

   Sometimes I think Facebook is trying to insult me by some of its friend suggestions.

   Prank: Get car chalk and write "Just Married" on every car in a Walmart parking lot.

   Nothing makes crazy people happier than having a microphone.