Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   If I knew then what I know now, there's no way I would have passed high school algebra.

   Do Canadians call regular bacon "American Ham"?

   Just heard about a new hangover cure -- Not drinking the night before. Does this work?

   I wish I was as nice to everyone as I am when I leave phone messages for complete strangers.

   why is it the guy who has to pass you, suddenly acts like an 80yr old looking for an address when he's in front of you?

   Just had a monster workout. (Bench pressed with Frankenstein then ran a 5K with an goblin.)

   I have never driven over a bridge and not thought it was about to collapse.

   Scientists remain baffled as to why the people on the internet really like pictures of cats and cats doing things.

   You know what's easier than applying sunscreen? Not going outside.

   If you're the type of person who says "surprise me" to your waiter, then, Surprise! Your waiter hates you!

   why don't they just open a separate school for kids that don't have a peanut allergy?

   i'm really good at walking along, minding my own business and then having something happen

   When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend who ditched me for his own imaginary friend.

   I always remember our time together. That's why I'm getting a lobotomy.

   Can't believe it's almost Christmas in July

   I bet vegetarians don't even feel guilty eating baby carrots

   Keep an eye on people who always remain calm & collected. It's always a pretty fun scene when they finally have their inevitable breakdown.

   The people who need firecracker safety tips aren't the people who read firecracker safety tips.

   I let the dog out. I do so about a dozen times a day. I see no need for a three and a half minute song about it.

   the glass half full or half empty? Mine is cracked and leaking valuable water.