flinnie Funny Status Messages

   FACT: If you keep a crossbow in your home, you're 70% likelier to be shot and/or laughed at by an intruder with a gun.

   I wonder if Fabio finally believes its not butter?

   Congress has an approval rating of 13% you should know Naked cannibals on Bath Salts are at 18%.

   You know what makes me mad? The fact that I know who Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are.

   Trying to be less negative but it'll never work.

   I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I'm sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out.

   "Okay, then why'd I just do that?" - Me, after punching someone who just said "Everything happens for a reason."

   I feel like people would take clinical depression more seriously if we started calling it Frown Syndrome.

   I wish I could go back in time so I could remember where I was going with this update

   I don't mean to brag, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   Every time I hear Europe's "Final Countdown" I'm expecting Gob Bluth to appear and do a little magic

   I'm wearing one of those Chippendale bowties to make people wonder if my clothes are breakaway.

   Can we apply the first rule of Fight Club to everything and maybe you just don't talk?

   I hope you were all good little boys and girls and Betsy Ross brought you all presents. Happy Flag Day to us all.

   How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

   A handprint in clay is a great Father's Day gift from a three year old. Kinda creepy from a thirty year old, though.

   I got 98.988 problems and rounding up is one of them.

   Just woke my kids up and told them, “It's Father's Day! Where's my present?” They just started crying.

   Babies are the two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   Happy Ugly Father's day tie, day!