Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That's why most of the women put on make up and most of the men lie.

   Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.

   One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

   So, I've been told hard work is the key to success, but I'm not above picking a lock every now and then.

   Knowledge is power... and I see a lot of weakness.

   Facebook is like an ex girlfriend/boyfriend that your in love with; you might not like all the changes but you still go to it when your bored.

   I'm going to replace my car horn with machine gun audio.

   I didn't make any new resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2007.

   I hate that sinking feeling you get after reading or hearing something you wish you hadn't.

   Next year we should just skip to 2013. Problem solved and a cool story for the history books.

   I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.

   2011: same sh!t, different digits.

   One of the most exciting things about life is not knowing what's next.

   Far too many people spend their lives reading the menu instead of enjoying the banquet.

   If you need time alone, announce that it's time to clean the house.

   If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.

   Nothing funnier than a pissed off mall cop on a Segway. With those goofy helmets on, I just can't take them seriously.

   Idiot-[id-ee-uht] noun: One who disagrees with me. Synonyms: Fool, Half-wit, Imbecile, Twit, Moron

   Don't tell me I'm insulting your intelligence when it's obvious you have none

   If I don't answer my phone the first time you call, calling 5 more times isn't going to make me answer.