Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.

   Just signed all my Facebook friends up for free samples of Astroglide. Happy Holidays!

   I'm so broke after Christmas shopping this New Year's I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.

   When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing

   There's gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to "Baby Got Back."

   If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner??

   My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.

   At the grocery store, they usually have 6 check out lanes open, unless it's really busy, then they only use one.

   The guy next to me just ordered a shot of Jacks Daniels and a chaser of Italian dressing. I can't decide if he's crazy or a genius.

   Updating my resume... What's a fancy way to say, "I haven't done anything for the past 6 months?"

   Sorry to hear about the whole “losing your mind thing.” But I know you pretty well and I don't think you'll miss it.

   People ask me... Why do you keep your wallet in your front pocket? I say... I like walking towards money not away from it.

   A girl I know went to apply for a job at Hooters. She said there was no application, they gave her a bra and said, "Here fill this out."

   Any one can stay true to your face, it's the people who stay true behind your back that really count.

   I just learned that to burn off the calories from 1 M&M you have to walk the length of a football field. BRB I have to run to China.

   Who would win: Twenty years of experience combined with specialized professional training vs. Google?

   When picking out a name for your kid make sure it's something you won't mind saying a BILLION times.

   Tortilla chips - aka The Mexican Fork

   Gonna try grocery shopping drunk. Can't believe I've never thought if this before.

   I really wish I hadn't heard that, I would be so much happier not knowing.