Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Download this software? Do you Agree? Are you sure? Well, the more times you ask me if I'm sure the less sure I am.

   If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don't live longer, just seems longer.

   Officer I know I ran that red light but it's okay, I'll just stop twice at the next one. Are we cool?

   Anything required of me today besides laying here in bed will just have to wait till tomorrow.

   How's your day going? Here's a good way to tell: Is it "already" 2:00pm or "only" 2:00pm?

   the moonwalk part of the field sobriety test? If not this dude is totally wasted!

   When you think about your dreams and goals, instead of asking yourself what's stopping you, figure out what's starting you.

   We learn something every day, and lots of times it's that what we learned the day before was wrong.

   Thank you Facebook, for making stalking a little easier for everyone by copying comments we've written on other posts under our own recent activity so there's absolutely no privacy left.

   Fine don't text me back then. It's not like I'm obsessively checking my phone or anything.

   Just invented the funnest work game ever: while on the phone with a man call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious!

   Winter Weather Advisory: Go back to bed until mid April.

   If this phone were really smart, it wouldn't let certain people call me.

   Within every clean house is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous crap that someone just tossed in there.

   Right now I feel like that one fry that somehow ends up in the onion rings.

   When someone says they know a person just like me and I have to meet them, I know that when I meet them I'll be insulted.

   Everyone has that one key on their keyring that they have no idea what it's for.

   I swear my alarm clock asked me to karate chop it this morning...

   If it wasn't meant to be I really wish you would have told me sooner.

   If you don't do foolish things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile about when you're old.