Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I'm thinking of doing a butter sculpture of a stick of butter. I hope nobody has done that one yet.

   "Cookies n cream" ice cream is really just cookies and ice cream.

   While I'm flattered Smoky thinks otherwise, I'm not the only one who can prevent forest fires.

   When the artist dies, this roll of flower print Bounty is going to be worth a fortune.

   Today's a great day to stalk someone you haven't seen since high school and say, "You wrote 'keep in touch' in my yearbook, well here I am!"

   I'm thinking of dropping the whole "I'm from the street/thug life" persona.

   The Camouflage Snuggie: the ideal gift for the military afficionado in your life who aspires to blend in with a couch.

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   Whenever people start getting too close to me I talk into my watch as I hold eye contact with them

   Is the whole point of the Home Depot commercials to make me feel lazy?

   When someone says "I've got the Mondays" I yell "OH I HOPE YOU DON'T DIE FROM IT!" and then we don't ever have to talk again.

   People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't - Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.

   In honor of Mother's Day, I'm going to subtly disapprove of everything people do today by loudly exhaling.

   I'm chivalrous. I always hold the door open for a woman so I can get a better look at her butt.

   People who say, "In my humble opinion" are almost never humble.

   My will stipulates that I'm to be buried with an air pump so that I can inflate my underground enemies during any wild games of Dig Dug.

   When they say, "Hello, sir. Can you sign this petition to end guilt-tripping outside of supermarkets?" Then I'll sign.

   When giving a tour of my apartment, I just point at things and say, "I got my head stuck in that."

   Fact: Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.

   I can't seem to find Funkytown on Google Maps.