Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   'Tis the season when we buy this year's gift with our next year's money...'

   If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

   You don't get old, you just become a classic.

   I'm excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

   Dear Santa, I was framed.

   Being a responsible adult is seriously messing up my social life.

   I walk the streets with a smile on my face while looking up. Just in case the cameras of Google Maps are filming.

   Most people don't act stupid – it's the real thing.

   Just got a Facebook "confirmed friend request" email from the bar I got kicked out of a few weeks ago. That means I'm allowed back in, right?

   When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we've met before." so they feel awkward trying to remember me.

   I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.

   I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say, "He's a d!ckhead, but you'll get used to it"

   If you always do what you have always done, then you will get what you have always got.

   Every Christmas Eve my family tries to break the record of number of people stuffed into one kitchen.

   My car heater has two settings: face melting and off.

   If I haven't done something you asked me to do and I say it's because life has "been crazy", it really means I've just been lazy.

   The thing about social media is that you can pretend you've gone to bed by not replying but really you're just sitting there the whole time.

   Sometimes I wish there was a zombie apocalypse just so I can hit a certain few people in the face with a shovel.

   I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice.

   It's funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies.