flinnie Funny Status Messages

   My coworkers don't engage me in a lot of water cooler chit-chat, but it may be because my favorite topic is "water cooler spigot bacteria."

   Struggling with Impostor Syndrome a lot lately. I guess I just need to relax, take a breath, and remind myself that my father was the Czar.

   I think a funny thing to do is call "How's My Driving" numbers on the backs of trucks and yell, "Well for starters GET OFF THE PHONE!"

   If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. Everybody else, write a novel about your childhood.

   We forget that it was Ben Franklin who said fish and guests smell after three days, and that Ben Franklin was a notorious guest murderer.

   Just had a Popsicle and the riddle was: "Q: What's purple and cold and filled with the spit of underpaid Popsicle writers?"

   Remember the last rule of Fight Club is, "Most importantly: have fun!"

   I could be a sports analyst because I'm good at saying "at the end of the day" and "arguably".

   Whenever someone asks, "Can I be perfectly honest with you?" The answer should always be, "No."

   Glass blowers always go glass to mouth

   Fool me once, shame on my personal fool-stopper, Reginald.

   Who do you suppose was the first person to ever kick butt and think, "Hey, I know, I'm gonna start taking down some names too."

   I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.

   What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?

   My friend absolutely insisted that I come to her muder mystery dinner party, but then she died suddenly under mysterious circumstances

   Shout out to all the hard of hearing people!

   I am on Buford Avenue and basically ready to wrestle anyone who's up for it. Or even not up for it.

   I hope I never become one of those dads who yells, "Shut the door, you're letting all the cold air out!" like some sort of cold air hoarder.

   A new study found polar bears are capable of swimming vast distances. And they laughed when I warned of an aquatic polar bear invasion

   Today, I again lulled myself in to believing that I can eat at a Taco Bell without ending up screaming for an epidural from the men's room.