Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   My coworker is making love to her lunch, or at least that's what it sounds like.

   Plan A: Marry hot girl Plan B: Marry average girl that can cook Plan C: Ramen Noodles.

   The only thing more awkward than buying condoms would be returning them.

   It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!

   People say that money can't buy happiness. I say I haven't yet secured sufficient funding to conduct a sound study on this subject.

   All the M&M's in this bag are dead...

   I'm hoping the office Secret Santa happens early this year so I have time to regift before Christmas. I hate storing them for a year.

   Why is a woman's fantasy a man who can read their minds? If we could, how would you manage to trick us into thinking you're aren't crazy?

   Almost everything I've done today has been done like a Rhinestone Cowboy.

   Whoever said "nothing is impossible" has obviously never seen me doing nothing.

   A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

   Dear Santa, every year you bring me coal. Could you bring me a BBQ pit so I can use them this year? Thank you in advance.

   Join the fight against high heating cost by supporting your local heating assistance program. Change your profile pic to a pic of your cold nipples and together we can stop the winter cold. The goal is to turn Facebook into all nipples by Dec 21st.

   Not having to set an alarm for the next day is one of the best feelings in the world!

   I think the best thing about being in the house of a hoarder is that you can take stuff home with you and they would never even notice.

   You can go pretty much go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

   This lady in front of me has more coupons than groceries!

   I don't care about your opinion enough to argue with you about anything.

   My moral compass always gets me lost.

   This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you'd be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.