unknown comic Funny Status Messages

   FACT: I've been rescheduling the same dentist appointment since 2009

   I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal

   Being sick & running out of tissues makes me think about all those times I was all willy-nilly with my tissues like some millionaire.

   Woke up this morning with a song in my heart. Sadly, that song was "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas".

   The way a dog that doesn't play fetch looks at a thrown ball—that's how I feel about everything.

   if you hitchhike make sure to use your thumb correctly or people might think you're just congratulating them on their excellent driving

   obviously I'm against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor... it's pure gold

   If I was a ghost, I'd write "Happy Birthday" in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it's still your birthday.

   I think Eminem should become a dentist just so he can say "snap back to reality, oh there's a cavity."

   "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille

   I don't understand why they called it "WebMD" when they could have called it "Sickipedia."

   Imagine my embarrassment at getting caught in the rain without a piña colada.

   Problems that have NOT been solved? Please join my class action suit against Vanilla Ice, who promised to solve them.

   I'm starting to think Trump vs Hillary is because someone went back in time and stepped on a butterfly, and know where living in a future that was never meant to be

   Password security questions allow me to relive all of my childhood traumas. "Who stood you up for Senior Prom and how did your first dog die?"

   Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance

   Got a white noise machine. Not sure how listening to people talk about GoT and pumpkin spice will help me sleep

   Day one of my waffle cleanse

   After tomorrow we'll no longer be hating folks because of their candidate. We can go back hating them for how they eat, or what movie they like

   5 Stages of Grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Complaining online 4. Complaining online 5. Complaining online