mds Funny Status Messages

   Ladies are not officially old, until going braless pulls the wrinkles out of their faces.

   Life is about friends and family, nothing else matters. it all boils down to how you've impacted those in your circle. The sacrifices you make along the way will be your true legacy . LIVE, LOVE, LEARN.

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

   It's so cold out... the guy at Super America has a towel on his head.

   What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.

   Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic's, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.

   My wife stepped out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the damned drain is clogged again."

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? ...Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras

   This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.

   Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year

   I just received a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order, but still....

   I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.

   I helped a little old lady with a new 60 in. TV cross the road this afternoon. The guy in the car next to me even joined in as we honked our horns repeatedly.

   A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing

   I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.

   My brother in-law just called with some terrible news.. He tasted a bag of white powder he found in his son's backpack and his worst fears were realized... Gymnastic chalk.

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to a movie the first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you, so nobody can sit there.

   I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.