m Funny Status Messages

   I logged all of my ailment symptoms into an online medical site and it has concluded that I died last Tuesday.

   youre a doll you are flawless, I just cant wait for love to destroy us

   Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet recalls....

   I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.

   I am surprised no one has consulted Michael Jackson's doctor for advice on what drugs to use to for quick, painless executions.

   Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by disagreeing with the wife.

   Great canned tuna fish recipe: 1-Open can of tuna fish 2-Sit can on floor 3-Yell; kitty, kitty, kitty. 4: Now, go order a pizza.

   A pine cone in laying on the bottom of the pool looks like something much more troubling.

   I don't mind when others use my gun for target practice...it's always nice to have a second set of finger prints on a gun.

   One advantage of growing old is you don't have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.

   To the PR firm hired by Ray Rice; It doesn't matter how much you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

   My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.

   I say "no thanks" to the great airfare offer from Virgin Airlines...I'd rather fly on an airline that goes all of the way.

   I have been very drunk before but not "wake up with a Kardashian" drunk.

   My therapist told me I need to live every day as if it were my last. So, here I sit, eating a pint of my favorite ice cream and weeping.

   No, we do not have video of our baby's birth but we do have some very fine shots of his conception.

   I guess describing my wife's menopause as "the ole' fallopian tubes finally rusting shut" was not a good idea....at least I have a comfortable couch.

   I don't understand prescription medication commercials because if I have to tell the doctor what medications I need then a new doctor.

   I have an overwhelming urge to give the weatherman a swirly while screaming; "HERE'S A POLAR VORTEX FOR YOU BEE-OTCH!!!"

   Hey people tin high-crime neighborhoods; How's that "Snitches get stitches" mantra working for you?