Tim Funny Status Messages

   Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest eat a banana.

   My grandfather was one-half Cherokee. When he danced it got partly cloudy.

   Whenever I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and gently whisper "Who did this to you?"

   I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. That crazy thing would never shut up. The parrot was kind of cool, though.

   If a little kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

   Dear Curiosity: Just put the gun down and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.

   The answer to the Westboro Baptist Church protests of military funerals is to aim the 21 gun salute at them.

   I measure my life in WTF's-Per-Hour. I'll probably get a speeding ticket here shortly.

   I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

   I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.

   When you are a kid, it makes you proud when someone says "Wow! You’ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   Sometimes I go out and dig a hole in the back yard in the middle of the night just to freak out the neighbors.