Nunthewizr Funny Status Messages

   I am thankful for the hide feature on FB.

   In order to refrain from spending too much on Christmas, I'm voluntarily placing myself in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.

   So...I met this really nice girl at closing time last night. Granted, she's missing both her front teeth but Christmas is coming, right?!? I think it can work...

   Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don't want to see flying at my face.

   A deal has been struck to allow evolution to continue to be taught in public schools, as long as Dinosaurs are refered to as Jesus Horse's.

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that's how us guys feel about push-up bras!!

   The only reason I want the Bears to win today is so that I can watch them lose in the Super Bowl.

   Really struggling on what to get my girlfriend for Valentines Day. I mean, I'd hate to get her the same thing as her Husband does. That would be embarassing.

   Saw a guy return a wedding set at Walmart today and get his $36 back. I'm guessing her answer was, "No."

   Took my Beanie Baby collection to a Pawn Shop today. Really thought they'd be worth a lot more. Back in the safe they go.

   Saw a lady at Walmart wearing those "shape up" shoes. Thought to myself, "Honey....there ain't no shaping that thing up."

   Man is it cold outside...just want to give a shout out to whoever invented the padded bra...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

   Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow

   The Skort: skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your butt!!

   Diet tip: If you fatten up everyone around you, you will look thinner.

   Ever see someone in a hurry and they do that last little mad dash to their final destination? How much time does that save.....2.3 seconds?

   OMG!!! I am so f'd up...I drank so much last night..i woke up in my own vomit! Party!....woohoo!..I just chugged more vodka to cure the hangover!.....(this didn't happen, just wanted to fit in in Facebook).

   If you're wondering at what point I stopped caring, it was pretty much when you said, "Hi, my name is _________."

   she serious with that outfit? Why doesn't she just paste a "For Sale" sign across her chest?

   ‎45% of the internet is pornography. 55% of the internet is lame.