Karen Funny Status Messages

   Actually mom, I'm not writing tweets about handjobs anymore I'm into fisting now. Happy?

   I like to refer to it as a "Magic Carpet Ride" when I sit on HIS bearded face and HE works that tongue like Harry Potter wielding a wand.

   According to my husband, it's not a tickle fight until half my ribs are broken and I've sharted myself.

   Thanks for the fecking blockbusters gift card granma.

   I have to be careful with my kids when I talk about the death of their father. It's a sensitive subject and I don't want them warning him.