Gil Funny Status Messages

   Demonstrators storm the US embassy in Yemen. Didn't Samuel L. Jackson already make a movie about this?

   I hope everyone's fridge gets knocked out in the storm. Bama voters will be in line for new food-stamps instead of voting.

   Only 33 days until the end of the world. Why is everyone acting so normal?

   Dear English Majors: How did the word "Dingleberry" get it's name?

   To pay for my funeral, I'm going to sell tickets and DVDs of my death-bed confession and I will be accepting bribes from people to be left out of it.

   When is a good time to mention St Patrick wasn't Irish, he was the son of slave-owning Roman nobility born in England and his color wasn't green, it was blue? Not today then?

   Today I wish a Happy Easter to my Greek Orthodox and Russian friends. Your ancestors really sucked at reading the calendar.

   If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so I can "like it" and laugh

   We're up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn't they just create a weekly TV series?

   I think facebook was originally invented by pharmaceutical companies as a way to create 50 million new insomniacs overnight and boost Ambien sales. Zuckerberg just took all the credit.

   Living alone means never having to close the bathroom door or having to spray air freshener when you're done.

   Why do I get no "likes" when I mention cocaine and strippers in the same sentence?

   Really smart Jehovah witnesses follow the FedEx Truck and pizza delivery man on Saturdays.

   Q: What's long and hard that a girl marrying a Polish guy gets on her wedding night?....... A: his last name.

   I think during every government shut-down, we should declare a Purge, just like in the movie.

   2 large ships stuck in ice during Antarctic summer. One of them an icebreaker. Al Gore could not be reached for comment.

   BREAKING NEWS: POST OFFICE RAISES 1ST CLASS STAMPS FROM 46 CENTS TO 49 CENTS: Really???.... couldn't you just say 50 cents and save 2 slots in your cash drawer and millions of hours counting change??

   My friends call me "Cruiser", because I like fast cars, fast women.....and the back seat of police cars.

   How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?

   The 2 living Popes come from the final 2 remaining countries in the World Cup. Checkmate Atheists!!