@uxbridgeguy Funny Status Messages

   If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.

   Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again

   The wind is proper whipping it up out there, guess I won't be taking the broom out for a spin tonight

   Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

   If you say you can’t cook what you're really saying is that you can’t read and follow directions.

   When I see ad's on Tv with smiling happy housewives using a new cleaning product ,the only thing I want to go out and buy are the Meds they must be on.

   It's strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads .

   Would never do the postcode lottery because you share with neighbours !!! There's no way on this fkin Earth would I shar

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts

   "I thought I was swerving to avoid hitting a baby deer today, but it turned out to be a smart car with those stupid antlers on it!"

   Fool the kids into thinking this will be the best Christmas ever by circling all the expensive stuff in the Argos catalogue

   If you look in the mirror in the morning and see cellulite,crows feet,saggy boobs and bingo wings.. Don't worry at least we know our eyesight is ok

   My first after school job was sweeping up hair.... I don't know how that kebab shop stayed Open

   I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an "I Heart Murder" t-shirt before I'd pick up a call from a blocked number.

   I'm very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

   Someone stole my Microsoft office and they're gonna pay , you have my word

   I refused to believe that my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.

   Just been accused of being condescending , that's where you talk down to people.

   Please God let me show you being a millionaire won't spoil or change me

   Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.