@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   I've started a new exercise regime. Every morning, before I get out of bed, I do one sit-up.

   A cancer patient only has one wish, to get better. I know that 97% of you won't post this as your status, but my friends will be the 3% that do. In honour of someone who died, or is fighting cancer please post this for at least one hour.

   I think the NHS cutbacks have gone too far... I didn't even get a f-kin sticker at the dentist today.

   BBC News: Couple remarry 57 years after divorce. God bless Alzheimers.

   Whoever said that laughter is the best medicine has obviously never had broken ribs.

   Once Liverpool sell Fernando Torres they are going to put an offer in for Andy Murray - They've never seen someone hit the net so many times in 90 minutes.

   We were at the shopping centre and I caught my reflection in a shop window, I thought to myself "F-k me I've lost loads of weight!" The girlfriend hates that nickname, but I found her eventually.

   I see they have blocked the Internet in Egypt. No more online pyramid schemes then?

   Me and my missus got ready to cuddle up and watch our home made porno. I got up and pressed play, but unfortunately It was finished before I sat back down.

   My girlfriend is still mad at me because I called her fat last month! Well, you know what they say... Elephants never forget.

   Tottenham's bids to sign David Beckham and Phil Neville failed after they missed the transfer deadline... By 7 years.

   I just heard the local priest singing a bit of "Nuns N' Moses".... "Take me down to the Vatican City where the mass is keen and the boys are pretty."

   I saw a sign earlier that said 'Watch Batteries Fitted Here'. I couldn't see the entertainment in it myself.

   I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

   My mate Alan has been drinking brake fluid for 6 years, but he says he's not addicted. He reckons he can stop any time he wants...

   I've just had a tattoo done on my arse which says, "If you're reading this, we're in prison."

   I went to the chemist and said, "I'd like some deodorant please." The woman said, "Is it the ball deodorant you want?" I said, "No, underarm."

   I was locked out of my girlfriend's house last night, so I decided to smash her back doors in. Good way to kill the time whilst we waited for the locksmith.

   I was on my driving lesson when the instructor said, "You need to change gear." I said, "Sorry I just feel comfortable dressed as a scuba diver."

   My wife was in the passenger seat looking at a map before she asked me what was the quickest way to get to the hospital. "Swap seats" I replied.