flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I'd like to be an optimist but I know I'd be terrible at it

   The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.

   Hey, people who start stories with, "You're not gonna believe this!" Calm down. We'll probably believe it.

   The number one thing on my bucket list; not dying!

   "My God, they spilled glass shards, tacks and honey on this floor. How will we get it up?" Law & Order: Special Vacuums Unit

   I'm beginning to think Queen Latifah is not actually a queen.

   Imperial units should only be used when measuring general levels of rebel scum.

   Charles Taylor might very well be guilty of war crimes, but he does make a fine sneaker

   I looked in the bathroom mirror this morning and saw my Dad looking back at me. We should stop taking baths together.

   A study found that trying on swimsuits made women feel objectified. Having a researcher in the changing room probably didn't help either.

   Never trust a homeless guy selling homemade lemonade, just saying.

   When you get angry start counting to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that.

   If I had a time machine I'd show Albert Einstein the Internet and ruin everything.

   20 years later, members of Bell Biv Devoe are still adamant about not trusting a big butt and a smile.

   Just once I would like to see an ultimate fighting montage set to Olivia Newton John's song Physical.

   No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.

   My son just did something so terrible in his diaper that it has shaken my belief in God

   I have a confession to make to all the rappers out there: I waved my hands in the air and I cared a little bit.

   Time for you children of the 80s to feel old. Sheena Easton turns 53 yesterday. Think about that while you are on the morning train.

   I think we'd all be a lot cooler with dying if the five stages were denial, anger, bargaining, pop-locking, acceptance.