flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I tried to come up with the most horrible baby name possible & settled on Adolf Judas Kardashian.

   Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment.

   When I meet someone and I get a "Nice weather we are having..." I say, "My dog's toys taste salty!" I find it moves the conversation along.

   If cats could drive they would all drive Volvos and not like you.

   I wish more parents let kids choose their own names. Then everyone would just be named Spiderman or Ariel or Fruit Rollup.

   The side effects of the medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   Relax people, they made holograms of Tupac, Dick Clark can still appear on New Years Eve.

   Whenever someone tells me & a friend to "get a room," we DO get a room, make tender love & send Mr. or Mrs. Jerkface a thank you note.

   Doomsday Tip: If you're the last person alive & want to read every book in a library but your glasses break, head to the audiobook section.

   If someone you know has a serious gambling problem just bet them they can't get help

   Today is National Stalking Awareness Day so I'd like to give you this pamphlet. I'll just wait outside your house.

   My nagging cough just told me I should be helping out more around the house.

   A new study says people who sit a lot die sooner. Basically, if you're a tennis umpire with a roommate who paints portraits, you're screwed.

   Teacher told us how Tom Sawyer was a free-spirited tale of misbehaving rascals; then screamed at us to sit still & listen.

   Why are doctors so afraid of apples anyway?

   I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings

   So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its "back", and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?

   Dude is that Matchbox 20? Turn that up. Said no one ever.

   A great goal in life is to never let anyone you know see you removing a hair from your mouth.

   "I felt as useful as a juice box without a straw" - Lyrics from my country music song about parenting