doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   it too late to say hakuna matata to that lion?

   If you've spent more than ten seconds fondling and sniffing a fruit or vegetable you need to buy it otherwise it's disrespectful

   I know they didn't ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.

   I may be my own worst enemy but there is a hell of a lot of competition out there vying to unseat me.

   Jiggling fat is a little more fun when you imagine a dubstep noise coming out of it.

   My "Stop Being Poor" shirt almost ended up in the Goodwill pile.

   Nothing better than imagining "Tubman's" raining down on strippers cheeks.

   The new twenty dollar bill will feature a clever line drawing of Harriet Tubman using the men's room.

   I would say "I hope your well", but that would be a lie

   I wish I was cool enough to post pictures of my food on Facebook

   Dont get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.

   Cant, made plans to have insomnia again tonight.

   We didn't have presidential candidates like this back when people could smoke at their desks.

   I'm just here until I can make day drinking a full time job

   Frankly Auto-correct, I am getting tired of your shirt!

   I just apologized to a bug for killing it and I instantly became a Canadian citizen.

   My elf on the shelf is just a credit card bill I move around to pretend I dealt with it.

   i don't want a girlfriend I want an accomplice

   I was never insane except that temporary moment when my heart was exposed.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, What I ate on Fat Tuesday, Gave me Diabetes Type 2.