Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Pouring out a jar of marshmallow fluff. For my Peeps.

   Love's redeeming work is done. Fought the fight, the battle won. Death in vain forbids him rise, Christ has opened paradise! Alleluia he is risen

   My mother used to hide the eggs in the same place every Easter... the dairy section of our local supermarket.

   My cat keeps telling me I have a drinking problem and that I need to seek help, but really I think he's just annoyed I won't stop singing.

   They say "dress for the job you want", but no one seems to understand the only job I want is to be the new Hamburger Helper Helping Hand.

   Sometimes I wish I didn't live with this curse of being so awesome.

   6 of those Extreme Coupon people could fix the entire US Budget.

   Scatter seeds of kindness and peace will grow, you stupid idiot.

   "You're so vain. You probably think this universe is about you." (Carly Sagan)

   When a woman asks for your opinion, they don't want to hear your opinion, they want to hear their opinion in a deeper voice.

   Daytime commercials assume there are a ton of great inventors that watch crappy shows and are super gullible.

   "At least you're not the lady who got her face eaten by the monkey." - My response to anyone who ever complains about anything

   Tax question: Is it technically considered cheating if you claim your 200 facebook followers as dependents?

   A study found alcohol makes men better at problem solving, which is good news unless your problem is alcoholism.

   I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

   I like to ask the waiter, "What do you recommend?" then stare him down while I order something completely different.

   Remember, nothing you do will be remembered.

   Can we just be honest about something: when is ziti ever not baked?

   Full disclosure: I don't actually know the back of my hand all that well.

   I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.