flinnie Funny Status Messages

   People who use that snobby pronunciation of "vase" make me want to punch them in the foz.

   I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you're a demon who must be destroyed.

   I always cry at the end of Shawshank Redemption because Andy never finished carving that chess set.

   Spent the day attempting crazy driving stunts because I forgot to read the fine print at the bottom of a car commercial.

   I bet karate experts have a tough time convincing their enemies to lie down flat between two cinder blocks.

   A giraffe in a top hat walks into a bar and orders six martinis and shame on you for wanting a punchline. This giraffe needs help.

   Next time someone gets in your face and says, "Anytime. Anywhere." say, "Melbourne. 6 years from now."

   Check out my brilliant & insightful new article in REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY TODAY! On 2nd thought, don't. It's not for you.

   I wear gasoline for cologne because women love the smell of money.

   I don't always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.

   My bark and bite are equally ineffectual

   In 9th grade coach said my sweater made me look gay. I replied good, as I wanted his wife to leave me alone. 'F' in gym.

   When a man tries and fails to open a jar, he has to kill any witnesses

   There's only two ways to start your drive thru order: Hi I'd like to order or Lemme get a uhhh

   Everytime I see "ROFL"... I think of Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".

   If I was homeless I would dress up as a Coinstar machine and just sit there.

   My 3 year old already has better handwriting than me

   Turns out the guy I hired to be my life coach is actually a swimming coach, which explains why he kept wanting me to wear a Speedo.

   When I finally meet the love of my life, I hope he appreciates all the time I spent following him and hiding in his bushes.

   Hey skinny guy having a Greek yogurt and Vitamin Water for lunch. I'd come punch you in the face but I don't want my fries to get cold