doc noland Funny Status Messages

   Moral compass? Is there an app for that?

   Being straight means sexualizing some unusual inanimate objects, particularly beer bubbles and mops.

   Your yoga pants just say OUTSTRETCHED.

   It's cute how kids think band aids automatically take away all the pain and make everything better. That's alcohols job you little turds.

   My life coach threw a chair at me.

   If I wind up looking anything like Peter Pan with a hammer, I'd run like the bloody wind.

   I have a masters at saying dumb things to beautiful women.

   On my tombstone please write: more people not appreciating my puns and updates when I was alive was a grave mistake.

   Just spilled an entire beer in the shower. -viewing today from 6 to 8.

   Thinking of starting a male version of the Red Hat Society. Come be a Purple Helmet with me, guys!

   I was going to stop drinking but hydration is super important. I'm doing this format wrong, aren't I?

   Ok I put a staple in my finger today. Don't do that. Its not give birth pain but its like shooting heroin without the tingle.

   Personally, I think failure should be an option

   I'm going to have a salad for dinner. And by that I mean a bowl of ranch dressing and a beer.

   I just got stuck in my office chair, and now I'm breathing into a paper bag..

   "Yes, I need to check in." "Sir, this is a burn unit." "Yeah, I got hit hard with a battle of the bulge joke about a month ago, and I still have no comeback."

   *emerges from behind your shower curtain..... Hey what's this restraining order about silly?

   Responsibility gave me the finger yesterday.

   My forearm tattoo is just this Pringles can I cant get off my arm.

   If you hold a beer glass to your ear, you hear joy.