Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment

   "I love my cable company! Their customer service and pricing can't be beat! I'm glad I have no other options!" said no one ever.

   Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

   I'm living the dream! Unfortunately, I think it's the bad one where I come to school with no pants on.

   The older I get, the more I desperately cling to my immaturity.

   The people who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.

   Always use tasteful words because you may have to eat them.

   If you didn't talk to me in High School then don't request to be my friend on Facebook.

   If you think it's necessary to judge me by my past, don't get mad when I put you there.

   I always bring my phone with me into the grocery store because I'm expecting a very important fake call if I see someone who knows me.

   An awkward morning beats a boring night.

   When someone says "I'll think about it," they're just trying to get you to stop talking. Also, the answer is "no."

   ...is lying here unable to sleep, thinking about tomorrow when I'll be lying here unable to wake up.

   A woman was in bed with husband's best friend when phone rang. After hanging up, she turned to her lover and said "That was Jim, but don't worry he won't be home for a while, he's playing cards with you!

   What are you doing? Come on over, we're going to grill some steaks and drink wine. Pick up some steaks and wine on your way.

   Girlfriend's parents gave me a Best Buy gift card, which will be turned into a video game that causes me to ignore her for the next 30 days.

   How many times do you have to pass your coworker in the hall before you switch from saying "hi" to breakdance fighting?

   Remember when people would literally get mad at you if you didn't put them in your top 8 friends on Myspace?

   Here's the thing about work: I really don't feel like doing any.

   I'm so glad my car has that alarm for when I don't have my seatbelt on that reminds me to turn my radio up.