Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Nothing's funnier than a baffled senior citizen reading a slang word out loud.

   Facebook should just change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?" ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆

   Learn from the past, live for today, look for tomorrow, take a nap this afternoon.

   Just once I'd like to learn something the easy way.

   "How are feeling today?" is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.

   If you're telling me to relax, it's probably your fault that I'm not.

   Someone needs to invent a DVR that records dreams.

   You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don't go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.

   When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include "being awesome at everything."

   Some things time cannot erase. That's why alcohol exists.

   I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.

   Relationships would be great if it wasn't for all those feelings.

   When people say "don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful" you shouldn't answer with "Don't worry, I have plenty of other reasons to hate you."

   I hate whoever invented 6:30 am

   Wedding's in 3 weeks, I wish I could invite all of you but the Waffle House only fits 43.

   The worst thing about calling in sick today is not being able to post last night's rage fest pictures until this weekend.

   Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?

   I'm stuck to the couch. I think I'm half man half sofa now. Just call me a mofa.

   A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.

   Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.