Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   Pandora just suggested that I listen to a preview of Nick Cannon's new album and technology has never made me this angry before.

   Living without regret begins first by killing all the memory cells with something called alcohol.

   Popeye teaches you that spinach makes you stonger while completely skipping over the part about pooing your pants at work.

   Ants can lift fifty times their own body weight, but do they lift even one finger around the house? NO!

   Sorry NCAA, but "The Process Of Paint Drying" is on discovery channel. Maybe next time.

   Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.

   Why are flies always rubbing their hands together? What are you up to? ANSWER ME INSECT

   Nothing worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life.

   The Black Lady on the Pine-Sol commercial told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most... ...this is going to sting a bit.

   Do kids today even realize what great Buubs the Activia lady used to have?

   Can we have a song about being happy that doesn't involve clapping?

   If you tell me you're gonna "hop in the shower," I'll picture you naked, hopping around in the shower like an idiot.

   The car seats in your Neon really accentuate your gangsta lean bro.

   Reflecting on my life... I'm really surprised I haven't been shot in the face.

   Angel on my shoulder needs to shut up.

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep while driving.

   Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.

   Okla. killer dies after botched execution. How long did it take his victim to die after being shot and buried alive?

   I don't have the blood alcohol level to deal with you

   So they will not be changing the name to the LA cotton clippers? Shooo! That was close. That could have turned alot of shirts inside out.