Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   My brain is giving me the silent treatment.

   If you can't do the right thing, at least do the thing right.

   I hate it when people say "listen" before telling you something.

   After one of my friends changes their FB status to single, I like to upload a bunch of pictures of the happy ex couple and tag the sh!t out of them.

   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

   Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

   My mother-in-law came to visit, I asked, "How long are you going to stay?" She said, "As long as you want me to." I said, "You're not even going to stay for coffee?"

   Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.

   Video game truths: anyone with a lower score than me is a loser and anyone with a higher score is a loser with no life!

   Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.

   I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm taking a dump.

   You know that movie where the guy needs to keep his adrenaline level up or he dies? My weekend was just like that, except the opposite.

   I dont know who is more embarrassed....me stopping at a yard sale that isnt a yard sale or the person whose place looks like theres a garage sale.

   Do I need a receipt to bring sexy back?

   Note to Self: Hang up phone BEFORE talking sh!t.

   Nothing ruins a perfectly pleasant day like going to work.

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.

   I might be the worst car passenger ever, but that's mostly because I'm a better driver than you and everyone else, so I can't help that.

   I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.

   Maybe early risers just aren't as awesome at sleeping as I am.