Kisstopher Funny Status Messages

   It's so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.

   If you feel you 'have nobody to blame but yourself' you're not trying hard enough. I can always find someone to pin it on.

   80s music brings me back to good times like when I didn't exist.

   Nothing makes me go from zero to Hitler faster than someone touching my phone.

   My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don't know if I'm kidding or not.

   I don't understand why g@y guys won't sleep with women. I mean they have butt-holes too.

   Women are like maths. As soon as you think you've finally figured it out, something harder and more confusing comes along.

   I'm running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.

   Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.

   WIFE: You only hear what you want to hear! ME: Sure, I wouldn't mind a blow job as a matter of fact.

   I don't know who all these people in stock photos are, but I've never met anyone who was so happy to be in a meeting.

   And if I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Kanye West, Kim Kadarshian and Internet Explorer, I would shoot Internet Explorer twice.

   5 out of 3 people struggle with Maths.

   You only stalk the person you think you don't deserve.

   The difference between sexual harassment and seduction. Is the first is done by men, and the 2nd one is the same thing but done by women.

   Never trust a woman who doesn't b*tch about everything.

   Me take a bullet for you? I don't think so. What if you planned for someone to shoot you so I could jump in front of you, get shot and you would get rid of me?

   Forget ghosts, forget snakes, forget spiders, forget aliens, forget monsters, forget zombies, The real danger to a human life is often posed by another human. Evil walks among us in human form everyday. We are just too blind to see it sometimes.

   DATING TIP: make sure your girlfriend knows that you're dating her.

   I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, "Optimus Prime? Your table for 2 is ready!"