Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Countries should have to declare thumb war before declaring actual war

   Just watched Die Hard 2. People in 1990 sure knew how to shrug off a plane crash.

   Today we celebrate the man who brought Christianity to Ireland by drinking hard enough forget everything he taught.

   Sometimes I forget every thought I've ever had and stare at the phone, wondering why it's in my hand

   If you have to ask "You know I'm saying?", you probably didn't make your point very effectively in the first place.

   Watched a boy make a wish at a coin fountain. He tossed the coin & missed it. Missed. An. Entire. Fountain. Ugh, this kid sucks at wishing.

   At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.

   All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now

   The older you get, the harder it gets to find someone willing to share a horse costume with you.

   My bracket is destroyed. I had Inga, Bjorn, and Johan in my Swede 16.

   Remember, over half of all cases of people wrecking themselves happen within five minutes of not checking themselves.

   Telling somebody you love them is like telling them your dream from last night. You can explain all you want. They'll never understand.

   I bet globes hate google map's guts

   Why haven't we invented a bowl made of meat? Without it, the gravy on my salad just seems weird.

   Women like wrapping paper because it's like clothing for gifts. And you know how women be liking clothing and gifts

   Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."

   Want to know how awesome my day was? I heard two REO Speedwagon songs today. In their entirety. I can't fight this feeling anymore.

   Found some kind of microchip implanted under my tongue. Cut it out with a knife. Blood everywhere. It also may be a cheerio

   People who say "No, and here's why..." need to realize that we stopped listening after the "no" part.

   My biggest fear is getting stuck in a soundproof glass box. Not because I'd suffocate, but because people might think I'm a mime