Funny Status Messages

   Ladies, no one wants to motorboat your rib cage. Eat a sandwich.

   There's a lot of people in the world pretending they don't know who I am.

   Don't sweat those numerous UFO sightings over Russia. I just gave Earth a 1 star rating and a lousy review on TripAdvisor. That should send them packing.

   I wonder why God made cocaine taste better when mixed with stripper body glitter and why I'm not allowed to ask questions in church anymore.

   You had me at: I have an office door that locks and a desk that's perfectly waist height.

   What's a good Christmas gift for the man who has everything except a clue?

   Women need to stop acting like their body isn't a man's property.

   I miss when a girl hit you it meant she liked you and you chased her around the playground. Now when she hits you, it's with her car.

   A real man will always find time for his woman, even if it means blowing off a date with his mistress.

   Chairs outside a women's fitting room are usually leather, sitting on a tile floor. For easy clean-up after husbands commit suicide there.

   What's a good Christmas gift for the woman who already has everything except morals?

   Turn to me for spiritual guidance, then turn away from me for doggy style.

   Read my lips...$1,600,000,000,000 in new taxes... Thanks Obama.

   I tried cooking with wine for the first time last night ...After 5 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

   says Read my lips...$1,600,000,000,000 in new taxes... Thanks GOP Congress

   You have to be 18 to tickle Elmo.

   realize that when someone says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," basically implies that there is a list and hurting you is on it.

   You know you are playing too much scrabble when you try to use the cursor to change channels on the TV. I thought the darn batteries were used up.

   Apparently you read my lips since you deleted the post A HOLE!

   I play Tetris. So yeah, I'm a problem solver.