Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I'm happy for you as long as you're not happier than me.

   Sexy Mode [ON] OFF

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you argued with them. Now you just delete them off Facebook.

   Dryer broke, microwave works, laundry is now dry.

   Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?...me neither...

   Love songs are liars.

   Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.

   I colored my hair today. Never doing that again. It took 5 hours and 12 Sharpies.

   I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.

   People who say that winning isn't important, never win.

   I wish I could get as excited about anything as the dog does about going for a ride.

   Whenever I feel intimidated by someone I imagine them drinking out of a rabbit water bottle.

   Carrot cakes sounds like it shouldn't be a real thing

   Mel Gibson, Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen walk into a bar. I don't know what the punchline is, but I'm pretty sure the cops are showing up.

   Life is a roller coaster. You can either scream every time you hit a bump or you can throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it.

   If you're going to walk a mile in my shoes, can you pick me up some booze on your way back?

   Whenever I Google something, I get so distracted by the absurd things others have Googled that I rarely get my answer.

   Today is Monday, and that's reason enough for me to hate it.

   Everybody get your flu shots now! Make sure all of your family and friends do too. Then I won't have to get one.

   "Lol" is not a message worth replying to.