Kisstopher Funny Status Messages

   Gangsters in skinny jeans and tight tees? Where do they keep their guns, drug paraphernalia... and food stamps?

   Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

   This girl told me that she likes men who know long words. So, I told her how ammaazzzziiiinnnggg she was.

   If I were a Caveman I would have masturbated in front of a T-Rex just to make him jealous!

   I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.

   My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

   Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun?

   I always tell people how fat I am. Then they tell me I'm not and I feel better about myself. - MOST WOMEN

   Alcohol + Taylor Swift + Drugs = Ke$ha

   If you can't be manipulated, you're not in love.

   After I do something I compliment myself in my mind using the voices of people I know.

   What if you just started licking the dentist fingers while they were in your mouth.

   Don't text and drive. You don't want "lol" to be the last thing you say before you die.

   My signature move is falling in love with people I can't have.

   You say alcohol abuse, I say this alcohol is getting exactly what it deserves.

   Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.

   After sex, I've the same problem as a murderer; what to do with the body.

   How many times do you need the same person to piss in your mouth before you figure out urine doesn’t taste good?

   Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars.

   My safe word is "eww."