Joser Funny Status Messages

   My new hobby is intentionally putting myself into awkward situations

   They call it "Cash for Gold" because "Cash for all the Sh*t You Stole to Support Your Meth Habit" didn't have the same ring to it.

   Anyone with a pool want to be my new best friend?

   One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.

   List of things I've accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List

   Ugly is such an ugly word. If you must describe me I'd prefer if you used the term "handsomely-challenged

   I have mosquito bites on my feet and I'm thinking the knee is probably the easiest point of amputation.

   No I wasn't born in a barn, but you know who was? Jesus.

   Nobody gets treated worse than a fast food worker who gets an order wrong.

   America: We blow sh*t up better than the rest of yous funny-talkin' countries.

   Hearses are so depressing. I'd like my casket transported via segway.

   The Revolutionary War went on for like 8 years, yet we settle for a 3 day weekend? The founders would be so disappointed.

   So what's the dating website for drunk, blonde, recent college graduates who do not want to find a job called?

   I am under: paid, pressure, followed, rated, the gun, the radar, the influence, the weather and the wrong impression. WTF

   You know it's a bad traffic jam when people start are sitting on top of their cars..

   I didn't call you crazy. All I said was, "you look like you might own 400 cats"

   Suffering from male pattern drunkenness.

   The squirrels are mocking me by doing that spiral-run-up-a-tree thing. They know I wish I could do that and how stupid I look when I try.

   "Grandpa's ghost hovers all around the house. It's scary!" "He's not dead! And that's his Hoveround power chair!" "Well, he smells dead."

   My front door mat actually says "Come back with a warrant."