doc noland Funny Status Messages

   I hope he buys you flour, I hope he greases your pan.

   Just made up my own personal yoga pose called "Downward Life Spiral".

   Pollen? Web MD says I have Funky Cold Medina.

   The wind just blew a plactic bag away from me at this table and down the sidewalk. "That one's on you, Mother Earth."

   "I know, baby, I'm lonley too" I whiper to the no show sock as we search for its mate.

   Perpetually looking for things I misplaced.

   "I had one stuffy nostril and one runny nostril..." is how I'm starting tonights suicide note

   For the price of a one year membership to the gym, I can replace my entire wardrobe with larger clothes

   my stomach growled and made the exact noise a dodgeball makes when bouncing off the fat kid.

   Just saw a girl in cutoff jean shorts so unbelievable short that you could see private parts sticking out the bottom of mine.

   If Michael Douglas ever gets rectal cancer we're in for one hell of a story.

   Sorry I pee peed all over your bathroom, but my Shakira ringtone came on and my hips reacted naturally.

   Wait a second! Alan Thicke's sone sings that hit R&B song? But I thought Kirk Cameron was a televangelist?

   How much for this stat us? Sir, it was on here yesterday. I must have it!

   Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn't wave back so now she's got a new album coming out tomorrow.

   Fall is fast approaching. Time to sew all my jean legs back on.

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture.

   “Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.”

   On arrrr Talk Like a Pirate Day, ye should take a moment to remember being in Davy's grip during the big rat scurvy epidemic.

   I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. Some lucky lady is in for a treat tonight.