Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I could be completely naked and I'd still look less slutty than this girl.

   I'm not lazy. Someone just stole my motivation. I'm the victim here!

   The Internet: Where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head

   I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I'd have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.

   You can't choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.

   Prank idea: Pay a homeless man to run up to someone at an outdoor drinking fountain and yell "Get away from my bidet!"

   Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

   I wonder if it's possible for someone to have a baby and NOT make it their Facebook profile picture.

   Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.

   ■Twitter makes me like strangers I've never met and Facebook makes me dislike people I know in real life.

   planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.

   Not to name names, but I know some of you update your status from your phone so as not to appear a complete shut-in who hasn't left the house. -Sent from my iPhone

   I hate when reality stomps its filthy feet all over my happy place.

   I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up... cause, you know... I'm still looking for ideas.

   It isn't until all's been said and done that you actually realize all you should have said and done.

   Just once I would like the pilot to say "Hey gang, who here wants to just keep flying and see where we end up?"

   Okay, so you Republicans taking office, we all expect a complete economic turnaround in less than two years. Got it?

   Maybe things would improve if we shipped Congress's jobs overseas too.

   I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."

   I don't know if my liver or heart hurts more during a break up...