Kisstopher Funny Status Messages

   I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.

   Guys, tell her she looks more beautiful without any make up. She won't believe you but your odds of getting laid will improve enormously.

   I miss being late for work because of morning sex. Now, it's because I dress my cat as Gandolph.

   Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.

   Someone please tell Facebook that all relationships are complicated.

   My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.

   In some countries, DEATH is nature’s way of limiting presidential terms in office. You wanted to be a president for life, and now your wish is granted Mr Chavez.

   I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

   If someone tells you their horoscope says they're going to have a good day, it's your duty as a human being to punch them in the throat and prove them wrong.

   Just because someone smiles a lot doesn't mean they're nice or they like you. Take alligators for example.

   Do not put a party hat on a cat. They are seldom in a party mood.

   There’s plenty of fish in the sea.. I just suck at fishing.

   The only decisions I like to make are at the liquor store.

   Don't steal things you don't need or want, like hearts.

   Best way to realize if you have a stupid idea is to consider who agrees with it and who doesn't.

   I swear one day I'm going to wake up with my phone shoved up my ass and divorce papers scattered around me.

   How many slutty and nude pics did it take you to get that many friend requests?

   You without me is like a Tim Burton movie without Johnny Depp.

   The opposite of Viagr a is marriage!

   Ladies; don’t get mad when guys stare at your boobs because there is going to be a time in the future when no guy will want to look at your boobs after time has had its way with them and they now look like raisins.