Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say, "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."

   Finally clocking out! I'm off like a prom dress!

   I don't like that Google's Instant Search counts every letter I type as a new search, mostly because I searched for "criminal analysis" and now Google has a record of me searching for "criminal anal."

   Give a person an inch, they take a round trip flight across the country AND bill you for it.

   Why does my phone insist on reminding me my battery is dying, wasting even more of my battery!

   Whoever originally thought up the vampire idea should have trademarked it.

   Happiness is a cop car turning his lights on behind you and immediately going past you.

   The big bag of Halloween candy has already been opened. The outcome does not look good for trick or treaters on Sunday.

   you've been unfriended, unfollowed and blocked. Let me know where you can see this, so I can block you there too!

   Wow you're really cute from far away. I think a long distance relationship could work.

   When someone says "You're the best," just know that it's not really true because I'm the best.

   It must be impossible to stand out as a prostitute working on Halloween.

   Halloween isn't really that different than any other day... everyone's still pretending to be someone or something their not.

   10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you've got them.

   Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

   There are no winners in life... only survivors.

   I like using big words to sounds smart: utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

   My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... if not, read this again."

   I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

   You should consider buying a new car when you have to rearrange the seats whenever you hit a pothole.